Call them rock carols, evergreens or Christmas songs, we get them every year over and over again on endless loops in shopping malls and doctor’s offices around the country. Some are quite good, some are annoying only with endless repetition and some are downright horrendous, enough that they can make you question the meaning of the holiday season in general. There are some offenders that are worse than others of course and here is a list of the top ten of the absolute worst Christmas songs that you’ll likely hear this holiday season.
10. Jingle Bell Rock
A beloved classic on a ten worst list? Yes, yes and ten times yes! While Bobby Helms’ song is endearing and was great when we were young, shopping in a department store and perfect for the beginning of Lethal Weapon this song is now beaten so far into the ground by every store out there that it counts as fracking. There is literally no place where you can escape it. Jingle Bell Rock is the perfect example of a good song turned into annoying crap by overuse. And let’s not forget the same album spawned I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus another overused song of questionable moral values.
9. Do they even know It’s Christmas?
Another exercise in futility this grand fundraising song gathers some of the biggest names in music circa 1984 to sing about the plight of Africa on Christmas. Not only is it culturally insensitive but it is awful as well. Bob Geldof would go on to make fundraising songs for just about any topic but this was the only Christmas hit to come out of the Aid phenomenon.
8. Baby It’s Cold Outside
Dozens of versions of this song blare out every year in shopping malls around the country and people hum along to it, blissfully unaware that it is a song about a man getting what he wants. Yes, in not so many words it is a song about a man turning a no into a yes, convincing a woman to stay over and, perhaps slipping her a mickey. Romantic!
7. Jingle Bells…. Sung by Dogs
If you thought that there couldn’t be anything worse than hearing the same song over and over, here’s something to change your mind! The worst thing ever is hearing songs, as sung by dogs? Why? Mostly because dogs can’t sing but also because despite this song not being broadcast all over the place (like the rest) you are bound to hear it either as a ‘humorous’ ringtone or in a Pet store this Holiday season.
6. Please Daddy Don’t get Drunk for Christmas
A heartfelt plea from a child to his father to not get drunk, at least for the holiday. Somebody call social services. Honestly, what was John Denver thinking?
5. All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth
It was close but the race between this song and “Nuttin’ for Christmas” in the humorous portrayal of kid on Christmas category went over to this glorious and unique gem. And by glorious we mean horrible. And by unique we mean endlessly repeated. Oh and just in case you want more material along the theme, here’s a children’s book that you’ll have to read to your progeny every night until spring.
4. Feliz Navidad
There’s overdoing it with a song and then there’s Feliz Navidad. You’ll hear it hundreds, thousands of times each winter, guaranteed. There are a lot of annoying songs in the world but this one has only six lyrics, it stretches for more than a couple of minutes and is played everywhere with more than a 5% Latino population on repeat. And as there aren’t that many well known half-Spanish half-English Christmas songs, you’ll hear this one over, and over, and over and over again each and every year.. It is torture, pure and simple.
3. Dominick the Donkey
Hopefully you won’t have to suffer through this one. Lou Monte is the consummate Italian singer and he’s mostly only popular in the places with a large Italian population. On the other hand if you live in new York or New jersey, brace yourself cause you’ll be hearing this one often.
2. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
Nothing says Christmas Classic like a little bit of Implied manslaughter. This is the worst song to contain the word reindeer, surprisingly surpassing the Alvin and the Chipmunks version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. There’s a fine line between comedy hit and annoying farce and this song is waaay over on the farce side.
1. Christmas Shoes
No surprise that this godawful mess is on first place. Christmas Shoes is a song so bad that it makes all the others pale in comparison. The only thing worse than the song are the people that let themselves get taken in by the religious message about the meaning of Christmas and tear up over a fictitious kid buying shoes for his momma to meet Jesus in, while ignoring the song’s complete lack of any musically redeeming features. If there’s such a thing as hell I imagine it being like listening to this song over and over on repeat.