If you want to sell your music, it helps to have album art that can command attention. A photo of you making love to your instrument would probably do. But if your art department (whether this is your best friend or an actual art department) wants you to pose doing ridiculous things TO your instrument, perhaps it’s time to ask for a second opinion. You would not want to be part of this list, after all.
1. Larz Kristerz – Stuffparty 1
The person who sold them those wigs should be imprisoned.
2. Cher – Take Me Home
The body is bangin’ but the rest of this cover just makes me cringe.
3. Brainstorm – Smile a While
Are they aiming for virginal or artistic? I can’t decide.
4. The Archies – Everything’s Archie
So THIS is how they partied during my father’s time! This explains a lot.
5. Jeff Kutash & Dancin’ Machine – Self-titled album
This is a costume party gone wrong.
6. Tony Schwartz – The New York Taxi Driver
A warning to NY residents: if your driver looks like this, WALK AWAY.
7. John Bult – Julie’s Sixteenth Birthday
Is that Julie? If that is indeed Julie, this is so wrong in so many ways.
8. Jim Post – I Love My Life
What’s not to love? He has a great mustache, an outdoor shower, and probably the warmth of his rifle at night.
9. David Cassidy – Rock Me Baby
Somehow, the album title does not sound as sexy as it should. It’s that darn rocking chair!
10. The Undertones – All Wrapped Up
Dear Lady Gaga — The meat dress did not look great then and it sure as hell does not look great now.
11. Joyce Drake – Joyce
Joyce, Joyce, Joyce… Who forced you to do this?
12. Poison – Look What the Cat Dragged In
Perhaps this cover was a play on the word “drag.” If so, well done, fellows. Y’all looked gorgeous.
13. Millie Jackson – Back to the S__t!
You would think that we’d be used to photos like this by now what with celebrities tweeting from the toilet.
14. Almafuerte – Del entorno
WTF!? I have friends who are into gore and will find this cover extremely disgusting.
15. ManOWar – Anthology
The actor who played Conan looked at this cover and thought “Thank goodness I’m not the most ridiculous person in loincloth.”
16. The Playmates – At Play With The Playmates
Seriously, you can’t possibly get away with calling your adult friends “playmates.”
17. Kevin Rowland – My Beauty
This one is a classic. His beauty sure is making me want to bang my head against the wall.
18. Orleans – Waking and Dreaming
Here is a great way to be taken as a serious artist: Get naked and rub against each other!
19. Roger – The Many Faces of Roger
That Roger sure was a chameleon.
20. Scorpions – Animal Magnetism
What is going on here? Why is that woman on her knees? What’s going to happen next? This cover is more thrilling than a CSI episode.
21. The Tapes – Party
This is the most rocking party. EVER.
22. Fabio – After Dark
After dark, he will light up your world. That is the only explanation I got why this cover has a daytime photo.
23. Mike Terry – Live at the Pavilion Theatre,Glasgow
Couldn’t they have chosen a different photo? Or a different costume? Or a cover without Mike himself?
24. Geraldine and Ricky – Trees Talk Too
I’m sorry but this is the stuff that nightmares are made of.
25. Cerrone 3 – Supernature
This one is just too bizarre for words. I would be interested to know the story behind this cover. Or not.
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